Surrogate No More

I got this feeling that I should write something before this year end. I don’t know why, but something inside kept bugging me. It’s been years now since I’ve known someone in particular. Well to be honest, I wasn’t that really interested in knowing him. Though I heard from the people around me that he’s no ordinary man, but I didn’t give any significance to him. It was only then when I got to know him more did I realize that he really more than the ordinary. For the first time I really gazed at his face, I knew it wasn’t something I was prepared for. A totally alien feeling has struck me. For the first time in my whole existence, as far as my age is concerned, never did I know that something like this does subsist. Long before his physique, I knew nothing but mere factors of life. Though these little fractions of life seemed to be the foundations of what made me alive, they weren’t substantial enough to keep me intact. I may have been gone through a lot but something is always lacking. Something has definitely to be filled up. But it was somewhat looking for a missing piece of a puzzle in a mansion with many rooms. I have to search every place that I can search of. And then, I found a surrogate. Willing to sacrifice itself for the time being while I search on for the real one. Of course I was hesitant at first. Who wouldn’t be? But I can’t say no. I just can’t. I don’t know why. I just can’t. And so, a quite period of time had pass, and I forgot that what I have now is just a surrogate. A simply alternative to what is lost. I had enjoyed myself very well to this substitute of mine. Never noticing that I had already attached myself to it. Forgetting that attachment to something is one of the biggest fears I have. And I admit at this point that I’m just a mundane human with a fear of rejection of others. I forgot that I shouldn’t have left my comfort zone and took that risked. I got really scared. When I say scared I mean it. And of course the first thing that came to my mind was to back off. Back off and distance myself. But, it was just a thought. I never had the chance to back off. It hugged me so tight. Yet, I was able to breathe. It was the first time that I tried my best to leave my comfort zone. And then, shockingly, I was able to leave it behind. It was the biggest jump that I jumped so far. A jump that carried away all the fears inside. Though I know all the things can happen to me, good or bad; I faced them with my greatest strength. He IS my greatest strength.
If I hadn’t taken that leap, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be writing this. But I know this is just the beginning. And now I have year to fight for. And yes, I will now fight back. Because someone BELIEVES I can.


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