11:11

in which the words that I desperately want to utter has choked and has left me gasping for air; I breathe but only to be drowned over and over again. Amdist forced letters and spaces, I still find the solace albeit ephemeral, stolen and candid like a bandit in the wee hours of the night. In the supposition of paying it forward, here’s something to some man who was once–hopes still is–an inspiration. Thank you and happy birthday.

 

tl;dr: a poem written on the notion of “being in love”, unrequitted love that is. Title read as eleven-eleven P.M. Would love to hear what you guys think and so do chirp in the comments section 🙂

———-

 

Words will always be just that:

w o r d s

that will never be enough

those three words…

One day, someday

I’ll be over you;

but tonight til

morning

let me love you.

Let me cry in your arms

for I find

peace, just like how

I

found

You.

 

Soon enough

 

I’m grateful through

the day my eyes close,

through the day

the words still cut

but do not bleed.

Not anymore.

 

Ethereality of Mortality

Those three words are said too much; too much certainly, that they may have lost its own candor—innocence even. They might… No scratch that. They’ll never be enough. And thus, I shall negate everything that’ll come out from your mouth. Everything that’ll escape between your lips—the very same with pink, plump flesh that I yearn for. And the very same where I have seen that lured mine even with full cognizance that behind it were pair of beautiful, long fangs. I let myself be bitten.

I shall address the familiarity the image is giving me: the contrast of how saturated the picture despite the wryness radiating from it.

And that’s how polar our personalities can be. Indeed, you’re due west, and I’m on a straight line heading east. And we may travel along the equatorial line, the tropic of cancer or the tropic of Capricorn—it won’t matter. For as long as the Earth rotates on its axis we’re bound, destined even, to meet each other again.

As the turtle races towards the sun, with it shall be the length of my loving of you. I shall whistle of a happy tune: no one shall know I’m afraid and lost without the nearness of you.

As the water flows down the river or run deep in the vastness of the seas, with it shall be the gentleness and tenderness of being with you.

And…

As the fire blazes it ferocity shall come with it the burning passion and desire to love you over and over again.

—–

©JN2012

Part Tri: Kahel ang Araw

Isang panaginip na hindi natutulog,

mga sandaling mintis sa’yo ang dulog.

Sa pagpihit ng hangin at

hampas ng alon,

isang himig ang aking pabaon

ang pangarap—ko ay. ang.

makapiling ka.

Maraming panahon ang ginugol:

tagaktak ng pawis,

sapilitang pagdilat ng mata,

pag-inda ng panunuya, at;

paglaban sa pag-iisa.

Binawi at binaliwala ang lahat

ng makita kang masaya.

Hindi maituturing na

                katapusan,

sapagkat ito’y isang

                kinabukasan.

Matuto ring lumipad;

Ang pag-aantay ay sapat.

 

 

–Mga Konsepto ng Pag-Ibig ni Aling Bebang, isang trilohiya

“기다릴게, hermit.”

White Flower

Strangled by time and obnoxiousness.

Today, hear the voices of summer on the first

day of you; however the rain, you’re still special.

Indeed. If otherwise, please let me so—

the contrary of your pity,

           is nothing but your beauty.

On par with; or most likely a seraph yourself:

Long, silken, beautiful skin;

That glows beyond tolerable.

Raven brows and lashes;

Those arch and fan impeccably reasonable.

Deep, dark eyes;

Those say more than fathomable.

Cerise and plump lips;

Those curve and open obscurely accessible.

Inwardly, all these but nothing;

I can only mouth these to you.

Your mirth, it’ll live.

However, while you’re gone away.

In all honesty, this is all but you,

And I beg for you to rethink of things—

My own enigmatic shades of white.

 

-belated happy birthday dear :*

the mute hearer

I’m overwhelmed with fear;

have I told you that you’re lovely?

Yes. More than anything, than ever.

Please laugh for me. Cry as well – I

           consider your voice music.

Never whisper!

I’m afraid to miss whatever you say.

Tell me, “I love you.”

So that it’ll retain, even if,

the noises, along with it your singing,

           drowned. Away. Forever.

 

©JN2012

*the healing.

All that I can feel is profound.

E.m.p.t.i.n.e.s.s.

So,

Let me admit all the flaws that I bear;

Let me cry for them tonight.

To anywhere but near him; I’m

crying for this unrequited feelings.

With my cherished ones; I’m

crying for my longing and loneliness.

To my façade of false vigor; I’m

crying for my sense of frailty.

With my anxiety and carefully woven lies; I’m

crying for the left sanity in me.

And lastly,

To you; I’m

crying for the gist of guilt inside you.

Only he is not a fool if he admits

he is indeed.

©JN2012

Morning.

Morning.

A word which means the early part of the day, from dawn until noon or lunchtime. But for me, morning gives me the reason and the strength to go on loving you. Morning gives hope. It means that God has given me another chance to live and another day to love you. I cannot put into words how much this means to me. How much you mean to me.

We never really met. And probably, the slim chance of me, finally meeting you, will stay just a chance. But it’s okay. Because I know, loving and being in love with you gives me the reason to get up, to rise up and do my best so that when finally, that slim chance will turn to reality, I can say that, “I saved all my love for you.”

Boundless Fate.

It’s been years. And ever since, I’ve already know the truth. In fact, I’ve never been ashamed about it. But, only this time did I ever realize how much I’m in love with you. That, only this time did the truth ever sinks in. I’ve fallen so much for you. And the sad part is you never know any of this. You don’t have a single idea what’s going on in me. But you know what? What I find funny about this is that, despite of that fact, I am still in love with you. The pain grows day by day. No kidding. Why? Probably because of the distance between us. The greater the distance, the lesser the attraction. May be true to you, but for me, no. Because alongside pain, also deepens my love. Surreal. Because I’ve never thought of such possibilities. No. It’s not a possibility anymore. It’s reality. A reality that I perceived as an ideal. And it’s been long before I’ve finally proved to myself that what I’m feeling is the reality. It’s real. I should probably tell you that you’ve been my inspiration since. That it’s because of you why I wrote countless poems. It’s because of you why I’ve learned to finally, let my guards down. To finally, let someone in. I still may be cautious at times, but it’s a good start. I’ve always kept out people from me. Because I keep losing them. So I thought I better let go of them even before I finally realize they’ve left me. But you. It was always so different when it comes to you. From you that I’ve learned to breathe. To finally, accept the truth that people come and go in our lives. Because of my years-long hold on my love for you that made me conclude that I should save all my love for you.

I have vowed. My love should not perish but should flourish. I will nurture it. And I will surely treasure it. With you, I have realized that fairy-tales don’t exist because fairies don’t make tales. It’s you who will make them. And of course, it is also you that should do the storytelling part.

And from this and on, I vow to make my tales, with you, come true.

 

Surrogate No More

I got this feeling that I should write something before this year end. I don’t know why, but something inside kept bugging me. It’s been years now since I’ve known someone in particular. Well to be honest, I wasn’t that really interested in knowing him. Though I heard from the people around me that he’s no ordinary man, but I didn’t give any significance to him. It was only then when I got to know him more did I realize that he really more than the ordinary. For the first time I really gazed at his face, I knew it wasn’t something I was prepared for. A totally alien feeling has struck me. For the first time in my whole existence, as far as my age is concerned, never did I know that something like this does subsist. Long before his physique, I knew nothing but mere factors of life. Though these little fractions of life seemed to be the foundations of what made me alive, they weren’t substantial enough to keep me intact. I may have been gone through a lot but something is always lacking. Something has definitely to be filled up. But it was somewhat looking for a missing piece of a puzzle in a mansion with many rooms. I have to search every place that I can search of. And then, I found a surrogate. Willing to sacrifice itself for the time being while I search on for the real one. Of course I was hesitant at first. Who wouldn’t be? But I can’t say no. I just can’t. I don’t know why. I just can’t. And so, a quite period of time had pass, and I forgot that what I have now is just a surrogate. A simply alternative to what is lost. I had enjoyed myself very well to this substitute of mine. Never noticing that I had already attached myself to it. Forgetting that attachment to something is one of the biggest fears I have. And I admit at this point that I’m just a mundane human with a fear of rejection of others. I forgot that I shouldn’t have left my comfort zone and took that risked. I got really scared. When I say scared I mean it. And of course the first thing that came to my mind was to back off. Back off and distance myself. But, it was just a thought. I never had the chance to back off. It hugged me so tight. Yet, I was able to breathe. It was the first time that I tried my best to leave my comfort zone. And then, shockingly, I was able to leave it behind. It was the biggest jump that I jumped so far. A jump that carried away all the fears inside. Though I know all the things can happen to me, good or bad; I faced them with my greatest strength. He IS my greatest strength.
If I hadn’t taken that leap, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be writing this. But I know this is just the beginning. And now I have year to fight for. And yes, I will now fight back. Because someone BELIEVES I can.